Iconic couples' therapist and best-selling author Esther Perel returns with a provocative look at relationships through the lens of infidelity, providing the insight we so desperately need to help us move beyond a simplistic discussion.

An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, have the prohibitions against it - in fact adultery has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. And yet this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honoured taboo - universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat? When we say 'infidelity', what exactly do we mean? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage?

Psychotherapist Esther Perel is recognised as one of the most insightful and original voices on modern love. For the past 10 years, she has worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she argues, but healing is possible. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage - with the same person. With the right approach, couples can learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart. Weaving real-life stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis, Perel invites listeners into a truly revealing exploration of modern marriage.

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The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

Esther Perel (Author, Narrator), Yellow Kite (Publisher)

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Product details

Listening Length	11 hours and 17 minutes
Author	Esther Perel
Narrator	Esther Perel
Whispersync for Voice	Ready
Audible.com.au Release Date	12 October 2017
Publisher	Yellow Kite
Program Type	Audiobook
Version	Unabridged
Language	English
ASIN	B075Y2S5CP
Best Sellers Rank	585 in Audible (See Top 100 in Audible) 4 in Sexual Health (Audible) 5 in Marriage (Audible) 17 in Marriage (Books)

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ReaderM

A must read

Reviewed in Australia on 4 June 2019

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What an incredible eye opener this read was. Thank you for showing me infidelity from all angles. I can’t believe how limited my view had previously been. It’s also helped me heal from past relationships... being able to understand motivations & how much I didn’t have anything to do with it!

2 people found this helpful

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Everything no one dares to tell

Reviewed in Australia on 14 March 2020

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This book covers all kinds of affairs. No one is left out.

I love Esther's approach by establishing solid communication and making sure you have the same definitions. Her approach is sincere and passionate. She doesn't beat around the bush. She is honest and speaks truthfully no matter how painful it may be to hear.

I haven't heard of anyone else who is so open and free of judgement. What a profound woman!

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beaston

A 4WD journey across sexuality in relationships.

Reviewed in Australia on 17 May 2018

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Well written and very engaging. A book that has you often staring off into space, to contemplate the last sentence and what it might mean for you. Esther is a great navigator of these fields. With each book, she inches closer to helping us understand that intense nexus between the crippling emotional pain of betrayal, the human desire to be understood and feel safe, burning desire, erotic passion, torrid jealousy and what "intimacy" and "love" might look like and what it means for each of us? To see or imagine that look of extreme sexual bliss in your partners eyes, but delivered from the body of another, such a challenging concept that leaves me wondering what is at the heart of any intimate relationship. I look forward to her next work.

One person found this helpful

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Des Brown

Re-think the way you view infidelity in the best way possible!

Reviewed in Australia on 2 March 2020

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A unusually easy to understand perspective on infidelity. If you are open to challenging views, particuarly your own, no matter what side of the 'experience' fence you are on, this book is excellent. I had heard a few TED talks from.the author and was captivated on how she uses language to describe and explain what infidelity is, the forms it takes and what it means. Its almost poetic!

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Kimberley

There is nothing quite like the lure of the forbidden.

Reviewed in Australia on 24 November 2019

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Esther's non judgmental look into the lure of infidelity, the how and why it happens. Are all people who cheat nasty and cruel or is there more to it than that?

As you delve into this book you will see that relationshios are not black and white, right or wrong. This is a book for those who want to delve into the complexity of the human condition.

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hannah freeman

EVERYONE should read this book

Reviewed in Australia on 20 November 2017

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If you have ever been in a relationship, are in a relationship, or want to be in a relationship, you should read this book. EVERYONE should read this book, regardless of how insignificant infidelity may seem to them.

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Graham Mummery

A state of relationships

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 10 September 2018

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This book written by a psychotherapist and counsellor who has worked with couples will be of interest to anyone interested in relationships. It is also well written with an good narrative flow.

At the beginning of the book Esther Peel looks at the conventional wisdom on partnerships and marriages and fidelity in them. She points out that in Western society there are strong views that partners in these are expected to stay loyal to each other, with out straying elsewhere for intimacy and sex. She does not appear to have problems with this per se, but points out there are many divergences form this path. It is human nature to transgress boundaries, even if this is painful.

What follows are a large number of accounts of cases she has encountered. This includes infidelity in conventional marriages, both homo- and hetro- sexual partnerships, open relationships (where issues of infidelity can crop up despite there being a permission to find additional partnerships) as well as ones that insist on monogamy. She looks also at issues of betrayal, the pain of discovery of an affair, how some affairs may save people from bad partnerships and also how that affairs may sometimes (paradoxically?) even save and strengthen relationships. Perel also looks at the various kind of people involved, apparently settled people, those who prefer to have affairs rather than stay in a single one.

All in all the range of people discussed here is wide. Perel's aim is not to discredit monogamy, but to suggest what is needed is a little more space for people in their situations to work through. At one point in the narrative she ponders on the general state of knowledge around human sexuality. As she states it is limited. This book contributes to expanding that space a little more. An enlightening read.

18 people found this helpful

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Dr. M. Willis

... spent 30 years as a GP listening to really nice people who had got themselves into a muddle

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 20 May 2018

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I spent 30 years as a GP listening to really nice people who had got themselves into a muddle. With a personal list I had the privilege of knowing both sides of the equation - sometimes over 3 or 4 generation's of the same families. The title 'Rethinking Infidelity' is very apt.
I wonder how many couples would have stayed together had they understood what motivates an affair - not least a million years of evolution!
My betting is that the current generation will be much less likely to run into trouble as there is so much less shame, religion and humiliation around. They do talk to each other as well...! That's the formula!

15 people found this helpful

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M E Noble

A fair discussion

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 6 June 2018

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This book is excellent, looking at a widespread phenomenon openly and fairly, accepting that many people involved in affairs have their own opinions, reasons and motivations. She doesn't underplay the heartache or risks, but looks honestly at how these situations occur - the overt and unconscious motivations, and the different reactions and possibilities once the affair has been discovered. She looks at the current American habit of turning to divorce far more readily than happened in the past or happens in certain other cultural situations, tries to offer a range of options, and recognises that the individual people involved make each situation unique, although certain patterns recur. She recognises the input of religion, family, nation and personal moral judgments.

8 people found this helpful

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Mr. J J

Must read for any couples, even if they didn't go through a infidelity its worth knowing.

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 31 January 2019

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Esther explained in a parallel view of infidelity. Many people thinks this as a curse or once cheated you are done for life. But from her experience she explains the both sides and try to reconnect the missing dots. It helped me to stay in track. I would 100 recommend this book to any couple who is going through a rough time. The partner can also benefit from the book to see how and why they did it.

2 people found this helpful

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nevena

Great book!

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 27 December 2018

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I bought this book to gain more insight into many aspects ..jealousy, desire, relationship dynamics.. not just issues of infidelity, and not specifically because I had experienced it - but just out of curiosity. I've looked for many alternatives to unanswered questions, and Esther did not disappoint in providing this insight. Thank you Esther.. Really spot on. I'm 28 years old and have recommended this to all my girlfriends as a general advice book, in seeing things from a different perspective + it helps us discuss things in our group that we've seen in our general realm. Prompt delivery service too!

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