Ichabod Temperance

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Books By Ichabod Temperance
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"Oh, my Goodness, Miss Plumtartt, there is a fiendish monster at loose in London!”
“Quite so, Mr. Temperance. I say, the villain has the Great City in an uproar, sir.”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, there is murder at our elbow, wherever we turn.”
“The machinations of intrigue threaten to crush us in their merciless gears, eh hem? Yes, One suspects that this adventure may come to be known as ‘The Strange Case of Dr. Icky and Mr. Temperance.”
* A Request by the Author:
Dear Reader, if, perchance, you should come across some drunken rogues in song whilst reading this book, you are strongly encouraged to sing these passages aloud.
Your cooperation in this matter is sincerely appreciated.
~Icky.
“Quite so, Mr. Temperance. I say, the villain has the Great City in an uproar, sir.”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, there is murder at our elbow, wherever we turn.”
“The machinations of intrigue threaten to crush us in their merciless gears, eh hem? Yes, One suspects that this adventure may come to be known as ‘The Strange Case of Dr. Icky and Mr. Temperance.”
* A Request by the Author:
Dear Reader, if, perchance, you should come across some drunken rogues in song whilst reading this book, you are strongly encouraged to sing these passages aloud.
Your cooperation in this matter is sincerely appreciated.
~Icky.
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Paperback
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$1.56
“I say, this fantastic craft you have built has transported us to a new world, Mr. Temperance, eh hem?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! Gosh, we find ourselves among many mythological beasts of outrageous legend. It would take three of me to make just one of the dwarves that live around here.”
“Yes, quite, and I find that there is no shortage of troll, gremlin, or magical creature to assail us in our destined quest.”
“You sure are right about that, Ma’am. In fact, I think we have gotten embroiled in a sweeping, high fantasy saga of epic proportions!”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! Gosh, we find ourselves among many mythological beasts of outrageous legend. It would take three of me to make just one of the dwarves that live around here.”
“Yes, quite, and I find that there is no shortage of troll, gremlin, or magical creature to assail us in our destined quest.”
“You sure are right about that, Ma’am. In fact, I think we have gotten embroiled in a sweeping, high fantasy saga of epic proportions!”
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Ohhh, my noggin. What has happened? I took a whallop upside the head and woke up in a place far from my time and home. Instead of it being the modern era of 1877 like it ought to be, I am in the distant past of England’s Dark Ages! There are mighty warriors in gleaming armour, and beautiful ladies wearing colourful gowns with taffeta secured dunce caps.
This is the castle Camelot! I am in the company of King Arthur and his majestic Knights!
Golly, can you imagine? Me, Ichabod Temperance, an Alabama tinker in King Arthur’s Camelot!
Oh, Goodness, it ain’t took too long before I already have trouble up to my hat’s brim what with Mr. Merlin, Miss Morgana, and a big mean knight in black armour getting bristly with me. Gee whiz, if I ain’t careful, I might end up wrecking there ever having been a Western Civilization!
This is the castle Camelot! I am in the company of King Arthur and his majestic Knights!
Golly, can you imagine? Me, Ichabod Temperance, an Alabama tinker in King Arthur’s Camelot!
Oh, Goodness, it ain’t took too long before I already have trouble up to my hat’s brim what with Mr. Merlin, Miss Morgana, and a big mean knight in black armour getting bristly with me. Gee whiz, if I ain’t careful, I might end up wrecking there ever having been a Western Civilization!
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“Leapin’ lizards, Miss Plumtartt, we’ve got big trouble, really big trouble!”
“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, for unethical experiments carried out in this remote locale, somewhere south of Nippon, have left this Monstrous Isle aswarm with uncanny creatures of titanic dimensions, eh hem?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, and if we ain’t careful, one extra jumbo-sized mega-reptile is going to run rampant all over our unsuspecting planet!”
“Then let us gather what comrades we may, however unlikely they be, and face this, the greatest of your challenges: Ichabod Temperance versus the Monarch of all Monsters!”
{Attention: The font-intensive nature of this book did not translate well into Kindle. The reader is advised to purchase the paperback edition. ~Icky.}
“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, for unethical experiments carried out in this remote locale, somewhere south of Nippon, have left this Monstrous Isle aswarm with uncanny creatures of titanic dimensions, eh hem?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, and if we ain’t careful, one extra jumbo-sized mega-reptile is going to run rampant all over our unsuspecting planet!”
“Then let us gather what comrades we may, however unlikely they be, and face this, the greatest of your challenges: Ichabod Temperance versus the Monarch of all Monsters!”
{Attention: The font-intensive nature of this book did not translate well into Kindle. The reader is advised to purchase the paperback edition. ~Icky.}
Other Formats::
Paperback
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“...Moan...”
“Are you well, Mr. Temperance?”
“Hunh? Oh, yes, Ma'am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma'am, it's just that since we find ourselves stranded on this voodoo-drenched Carribean island, I thought it might be a good idea to practice acting like a mobile corpse, cause it's looking like we are up to our armpits in dead folks walking. My suspicion is that they're wanting to snack on our gray matter.”
“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, for I fear that if you, I, and our compatriots are not successful on this escapade, the entire planet could be threatened by cadaver cataclysm, eh hem?”
“Yes, Ma'am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma'am, and don't let the singing and dancing fool you. This here adventure is full of scary circumstances, Ma'am, and that's a fact!”
“Are you well, Mr. Temperance?”
“Hunh? Oh, yes, Ma'am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma'am, it's just that since we find ourselves stranded on this voodoo-drenched Carribean island, I thought it might be a good idea to practice acting like a mobile corpse, cause it's looking like we are up to our armpits in dead folks walking. My suspicion is that they're wanting to snack on our gray matter.”
“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, for I fear that if you, I, and our compatriots are not successful on this escapade, the entire planet could be threatened by cadaver cataclysm, eh hem?”
“Yes, Ma'am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma'am, and don't let the singing and dancing fool you. This here adventure is full of scary circumstances, Ma'am, and that's a fact!”
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“Gee, whiz, Miss Plumtartt, these here are sure enough an odd assortment of characters you and I have run up with.”
“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, and at the risk of disclosing any 'spoilers' for our dear readers, I suspect that we have allowed ourselves to fall into the clutches of a Nosferatu brood.”
“Nosfer-who-who?”
“Nosferatu, Mr. Temperance, undead fiends that gain sustenance by slaking their unnatural thirsts on the manna of the living.”
“Oh my Goodness! You mean we are prisoners of a bunch of bloodsucking Vampyres? That's terrible!”
“Quite, but what is even more troubling, is my suspicion that they are brewing a conspiracy that could threaten life at every level all over planet Earth!”
“Golly!”
“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, and at the risk of disclosing any 'spoilers' for our dear readers, I suspect that we have allowed ourselves to fall into the clutches of a Nosferatu brood.”
“Nosfer-who-who?”
“Nosferatu, Mr. Temperance, undead fiends that gain sustenance by slaking their unnatural thirsts on the manna of the living.”
“Oh my Goodness! You mean we are prisoners of a bunch of bloodsucking Vampyres? That's terrible!”
“Quite, but what is even more troubling, is my suspicion that they are brewing a conspiracy that could threaten life at every level all over planet Earth!”
“Golly!”
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“Gee, Miss Plumtartt, after our calamitous arrival on this unsuspecting city, do you think we are still under threat of imminent murder by gangs of assorted, yet stylish, assassins?”
“I say, I do fear this to be the case, Mr. Temperance. The machinations of intrigue are not unlike one of your ingenious spring-driven contraptions, sir. Yes, plots boil and swarms of suspicious characters are at our every turn, eh hem?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. It’s a good thing we have enlisted the assistance of this notorious, Victorian-era London detective to assist us in this baffling murder mystery adventure, for I fear there is more to this tale than meets the eye!”
“I say, I do fear this to be the case, Mr. Temperance. The machinations of intrigue are not unlike one of your ingenious spring-driven contraptions, sir. Yes, plots boil and swarms of suspicious characters are at our every turn, eh hem?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. It’s a good thing we have enlisted the assistance of this notorious, Victorian-era London detective to assist us in this baffling murder mystery adventure, for I fear there is more to this tale than meets the eye!”
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“I say, Mr. Temperance, you would do well, sir, to be more aware of the world around you. The clamour of war threatens to engulf the globe. Moreover, I confess a trepidation in my soul stemming from other quarters in this galloping age of invention. I feel certain that we are at risk from threats of a supernatural origin. Do you not agree, eh hem?”
“Yes, Ma'am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma'am, I have the same sense of nameless dread gripping my pumper in it's icy grip. Why, it looks as if you and I have uncovered a conspiracy to plunge all the world's countries into mayhem and disaster, leaving the spoils of a conquered planet to the tender mercies of heartless tyrants using means inhuman to gain their sway. I'm glad we have the companionship of a telepathic doggie, a tin-man, and all sorts of other entertaining folks to see us through this peril, for I think we might be in a lot of trouble!”
“Yes, Ma'am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma'am, I have the same sense of nameless dread gripping my pumper in it's icy grip. Why, it looks as if you and I have uncovered a conspiracy to plunge all the world's countries into mayhem and disaster, leaving the spoils of a conquered planet to the tender mercies of heartless tyrants using means inhuman to gain their sway. I'm glad we have the companionship of a telepathic doggie, a tin-man, and all sorts of other entertaining folks to see us through this peril, for I think we might be in a lot of trouble!”
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“Golly, Miss Plumtartt, the Earth is getting pummeled with meteorites!”
“I say, if only these projectiles were organically based, Mr. Temperance, I would not be of such a troubled mind, but I fear that the flaming flotsam are revealing themselves to be warcraft from the planet Mars. Their weapons are uncanny and easily defeat the greatest of Terra's resources. These invaders wish to strip our beloved planet of her native sovereignty!”
“Holy Red Planet Invaders, Miss Plumtartt, you're right! I reckon it's gonna be up to you, me, and this charming cast of characters to save the Earth in this War betwixt the Worlds.”
“I say, if only these projectiles were organically based, Mr. Temperance, I would not be of such a troubled mind, but I fear that the flaming flotsam are revealing themselves to be warcraft from the planet Mars. Their weapons are uncanny and easily defeat the greatest of Terra's resources. These invaders wish to strip our beloved planet of her native sovereignty!”
“Holy Red Planet Invaders, Miss Plumtartt, you're right! I reckon it's gonna be up to you, me, and this charming cast of characters to save the Earth in this War betwixt the Worlds.”
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“Hello, is anyone there?”
“This is Ichabod Temperance, transmitting from the year 1875.”
“Do you read me?”
“Oh my Goodness! We've got trouble, y'all!”
“Ever since that strange comet passed our world, not only have there been more than just an overwhelming amount of steam and spring inventions popping up all over Earth, but there also have been uncanny monster sightings as well! Well, almost sightings, as these inter-dimensional, over-legged, eyeball-clustered beasties are nearly invisible to the human eye! That is where my own enhanced inventiveness has gotten me into misadventure as I alone have created a device that allows me to see the hippo-sized craw-daddies.”
“Maybe Fate had a hand in my goggle development, for it led to my meeting the most beautiful girl in the world. Now it's up to me and Miss Plumtartt to save our planet from being gobbled up gone!”
“This is Ichabod Temperance, transmitting from the year 1875.”
“Do you read me?”
“Oh my Goodness! We've got trouble, y'all!”
“Ever since that strange comet passed our world, not only have there been more than just an overwhelming amount of steam and spring inventions popping up all over Earth, but there also have been uncanny monster sightings as well! Well, almost sightings, as these inter-dimensional, over-legged, eyeball-clustered beasties are nearly invisible to the human eye! That is where my own enhanced inventiveness has gotten me into misadventure as I alone have created a device that allows me to see the hippo-sized craw-daddies.”
“Maybe Fate had a hand in my goggle development, for it led to my meeting the most beautiful girl in the world. Now it's up to me and Miss Plumtartt to save our planet from being gobbled up gone!”
Other Formats::
Paperback