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Fire Down Below (Gynazule Book 1) by [Anastasia, Debra]
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Fire Down Below (Gynazule Book 1) Kindle Edition


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Length: 256 pages Word Wise: Enabled Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled
Page Flip: Enabled Language: English

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Product Description

Product Description

Praise for Fire Down Below:

"I'd like to remove myself from this spam list." ~Teresa Mummert NYT Bestselling Author
"No." ~Jamie McGuire #1 NYT Bestselling Author
"Do not read her next book. Trust me." Colleen Hoover #1 NYT Bestselling Author
"I have not read this book." ~ Aesta's Book Blog
"If this book is anything like her crazy tweets, then we are too scared to read it." ~ The Rock Stars of Romance Book Blog
"Debra is the queen of s@!ts and giggles." ~ Tijan NYT Bestselling Author

Summary:

Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell (and brand spanking new) pharmacist behind the counter.

Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her feminine meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud–as in, he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Thanks to Johnson’s handsome face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove dives headlong into her waking nightmare and asks for a vagina-scented cream.

How could she not fall for him? Dove's only active goal now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. However, his horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing her from making that fantasy a reality. When Dove defends Johnson in the most unhygienic, unconventionally gross way in the middle of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is off to a galloping, farting start. Each print copy of this book will be dipped in holy water by my mom and glared at by my father as he purses his lips. Neither will help. So, drop your pants, turn to the left and cough. I hope you're not allergic to latex, because it’s time to fill your prescription. Anally.

More Praise:

"Crap. Why won't you go away?" K.A. Robinson NYT Bestselling Author
"You couldn't pay me enough." Tara Sue Me NYT Bestselling Author
"You can't be serious." JM Darhower USA Today Bestselling Author
"That's a big, tall glass of nope." Angie Lynch CEO and President of Shameless Book Club
"This book is about as cringe-worthy as a raging UTI." Helena Hunting Amazing Author
"This book gave my vagina nightmares for a week. What the hell was Debra thinking?!" ~Leisa Rayven Amazing Author
"I like to read Debra's work on the crapper in case I run out of toilet paper." CJ Roberts NYT Bestselling Author
"I've had the worst gas since I read Debra Anastasia's latest. Rip, full, wretched gas that singes my butt hairs on the way out. A week later I'm still walking funny." Kendall Grey Amazing Author
"This cover gives me vaginal discomfort. Someone pass the Monistat." Tara Sivec NYT Bestselling Author
"I might read this book if I wasn't so afraid of catching something." Tina Reber NYT Bestselling Author
"It itches so bad." Ella Fox USA Today Bestselling Author
"Can I un-read this? No? Do you have holy water so I can wash my eyes?" - King Midian
“Is this the gas lady with the flatulence problem that can do the bubble tricks with her vagina?” Totally Booked Blog
“Never Again. Disappointed! And just like Tony, I don’t like to be disappointed.” Aleatha Romig NYT Bestselling Author
“Penivores and Vagitarians both agree. It made them vomit a little in their mouths.” Georgia Cates NYT Bestselling Author
“This book smells like grilled cheese and sadness.” Mary Elizabeth Amazing Author
“Enough to cause a burning ring of fire. Please Debra…just stop!” Belle Aurora USA Today Bestselling Author
“The only way fire should be associated with this book is if it was actually on fire. Burning in my fireplace.” Jillian from Read-Love-Blog
“Is she writing about hairy vaginas or explosive diarrhea?” Neda from The Sub Club
“This book caused my anus to grow a steel-plated hymen.” Shay Savage USA Today
“Save your receipt.” Liv Morris Amazing Author
“Who is this woman and why is she talking to me?” Tabatha V

Product details

  • Format: Kindle Edition
  • File Size: 658 KB
  • Print Length: 256 pages
  • Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
  • Publisher: Debra Anastasia; 1 edition (28 February 2015)
  • Sold by: Amazon Australia Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B00SSGACEM
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Enabled
  • Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled
  • Average Customer Review: 3.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (3 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #78,144 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)

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Customer Reviews

3.3 out of 5 stars
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Top Customer Reviews

Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
This book is stupid and annoying. I didn't find it funny or witty and I think it was about a 100 miles over the link of reality so much so that there was no way I could possibly relate to it. I get that it's supposed to be quirky fiction and funny but I just found it annoying and overly obscene without a shred of humor
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By Amy TOP 500 REVIEWER on 7 May 2015
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Freaking hilarious!
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Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Damn funny read!
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)

Amazon.com: 3.9 out of 5 stars 277 reviews
15 of 15 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars It's nothing a courtesy flush couldn't help... 1 March 2015
By Christina - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition
This is the "don't go alone" tag team review with my blogmate and fellow glutton for punishment, Rachel.

Complimentary copy provided by the author in exchange for an honest review, because she's a sadist like that.

RM – Oh my word, what have I just read?! I was laughing so hard only a few pages in. In fact I have never laughed so hard reading in a book in my life, I was actually CRYING from a mixture of amusement and embarrassment! This was so completely and utterly silly with plenty of toilet humor and utterly stupid situations and I had no clue where Debra was going to take this. Debra didn’t disappoint, in fact, it was like reading one long status update from her Facebook page! Christina, how did you find this book?

CM – I’m with you. I have no idea what I just read, and not sure what reaction I should have to it! It’s a little like when you feel a stomach bug coming on, you’re unsure which end it’s coming out of but you know whatever it is, it’s going to be explosive! And you’re right, I haven’t laughed that much at a book in like…ever?

CM - So what did you think of the characters? I nearly wet myself when we learn just how far Dove is willing to go to not be seen in public buying feminine hygiene products! What did we all do before Amazon!?! And the opening scene…I swear to god I’ve lived through that horror, or at least I feel like I have. The pharmacist that is just a bit louder than he needs to be telling the rest of the shoppers your business…I’m sure we’ve all been through something similar! The personalities were all very over the top but I think that was part of the appeal. They were likeable in their absolute absurdity.

RM - Yes! The pharmacy scene is something that we can all relate to! I bet there isn’t a woman out there that could read that scene without their toes curling in embarrassment. Although every character seemed larger than life you could still get into their head and get lost in the absurdity of them, there wasn’t a character I didn’t like (well, apart from one!). Oh and Johnson Fitzwell…AWESOME NAME! I would also like to point out that if I was to come across Duke in real life I would probably sick into my mouth a little but in this book I LOVE HIM!

RM – I really can’t think of much more to say about this book without giving away spoilers. It’s kinda so silly that you must just go in blind and just enjoy. If you are after a meaningful plot line then this isn’t the book for you. It’s really a great book for being able to take a step back from the angst and serious reads and just losing yourself in the vulgarity and hilarity.

CM – I was coming off a serious ugly cry book and this was a much needed relief from the hangover that book had left me with. And I’ll agree, if you’re looking for soul-searching, earth shattering prose here, you’re not going to find it. However if you are looking for a fun escape full of over the top hilarity and characters that in some ways resemble people you might actually know (let’s be honest here, we’re a lot more likely to personally know the Al Bundy type vs the Christian Grey type!) then this is a great choice.

CM – By the end of the story though we do see that underneath all of the fart and dick jokes we have a romance between two very socially inept characters that was downright sweet. What I didn’t see coming though was the cliffhanger! WTF? Not to say that I’m not excited to spend another couple of hours reading about Debra Anastasia’s penchant for pussy, and Duke’s weakness for weenies, I really didn’t see the drama that Dove was about to face.

RM – I agree Christina, there is a love story under all the jokes, thank goodness! I was rooting for them all the way through but the cliffhanger ending threw me a little. I can’t wait to see where all these characters go from here, I’m hoping we don’t have to wait long! I also want to see how much more sick, laugh out loud funny and disgusting Author Debra Anastasia can go with these characters!

RM – I don’t know how to rate this book! It is kind of in a class of it’s own, I’ve never read anything like it. If I have to give it a star rating I think I will go with 4 Stars. What about you Christina?

CM – I agree with you completely with 4 stars. Are we really sure we want to reward and encourage her with 5? ;) This story was certainly one in a million, depending on how strong your stomach is, that might be a good thing.
17 of 19 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars STOP! For the love of your Kindle, download a sample first!!! 1 March 2015
By Angela S Goodrich - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition
I received a free copy of this book to read and review for Wicked Reads.

Based on the information I received when signing up to read Fire Down Below, Ms. Anastasia wrote this book years ago as fanfiction. Having read the book, I can only assume the idea came to her after watching Dumb and Dumber while smoking some less than legal substance and thought it would be AWESOME to create a female version of that madcap duo and shove them both into Dove. Thankfully she came to her senses before subjecting the rest of the reading world to the book. That is, until recently when she apparently had one too many bottles of wine with friends and thought it would be a great idea to expose readers to Gynazule®. That, or she’s set out to prove that ANYBODY can write ANYTHING and sell it on Amazon (and other ebook retailers).

Initially I wasn’t going to read this book. For goodness sakes people, the leading man’s name is Johnson Fitzwell and the blurb contains the words vagina and farting, and basically tells you to prepare for a prostate exam. Besides, our blog had five people signed up to review it and I had books featuring testosterone-filled alpha males that I’ve been waiting to read. Hockey player vs. pharmacist – no contest there. Then the ladies started dropping like flies, unable to finish it – we had three women down, traumatized by what little bit they did read. When we finally get a review in, it’s a 2-star review. At this point I HAVE to check it out. Now I’m still not planning to read it, but I have got to know what is sending the review team running for therapy and eye & brain bleaching. So this evening, while I was setting up the following day’s blog posts, I turned on the Text-to-Speech feature on my Kindle Fire so I could listen and work. I then spent the next 6 hours laughing my @ss off at Dove’s antics as Murphy’s Law delivered b!tch-slap after b!tch-slap to the easily embarrassed but hornier than a cat in heat Dove.

Did I enjoy Fire Down Below? Surprisingly, I did! It seems that I was channeling my inner 12-year-old boy who got a kick out of the potty humor and word play that Ms. Anastasia filled the book with. Apparently she was triple-dog-dared to insure that not a single page escaped a fart, vagina, man-junk, diarrhea, or other somewhat embarrassing bodily function reference. And she proved to be an overachiever of this goal. Despite its content, Fire Down Below is a well-written romantic comedy which seems quite satirical and kept me laughing through most of the book. And yes, there is an actual story buried underneath all of the ridiculousness, but you have to dig very, very, very, very – well you get the picture – deep to get to it.

But the ultimate question is: Is this a book I would recommend to other readers? Absof*ckinglutely not!!! I have a twisted sense of humor and, as I said before, just happened to be channeling my inner 12 year-old boy tonight and found the juvenile humor nearly gut-busting. If you’re a Poughkeepsie fan thinking that you love Debra’s writing so much that you cannot wait to read this… run now, run fast, and run far. The only thing Fire Down Below has in common with Poughkeepsie – other than the author – is that Beckett probably would have loved this book. But if you’re in the mood to laugh and can laugh when a grown woman craps her pants (Yes, that happened!) then for the love of god, don’t buy the book, download a sample first. No sense in subjecting your Kindle to a possible bacterial infection if you don’t have to. This is the definitive case of “Try Before You Buy” and wait until you’re alone and not at work before you check it out because neither Ms. Anastasia nor I accept responsibility for what will happen if your boss’s finely-tuned bullsh!t detector sniffs out this heaping pile o’crap. And for your final warning, this is the first book in a series – god forbid people she has more of this nonsense saved up – and the ending will leave you screaming Nooooo! Actually, that would’ve happened either way. I can only hope that my inner 12-year-old boy is ready to go when the next one comes out because yes, I am one sick puppy and I will be subjecting myself to the sequel.

~ Wicked Reads Review Team ~
11 of 12 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars “I like to leave a mark when I bang people!” ... Debra you totally left a mark!!! 3 March 2015
By Kelly - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
What the f_ck???

I'm not sure if I should warn you or look the other way and laugh while you digest this book on your own ... I was warned ... but it doesn't do any good anyway ... Happy Reading!!!

Fire Down Below has got to be the weirdest, funniest, disgusting book that I think I have ever read!! There are parts of this book where I was laughing so hard I literally could not breath and others well I am still trying to cleanse my mind.

Dove seems to be pretty quiet, kind of awkward, clumsy, and all around just a little uncomfortable in her own skin. However she does have "the twitter" and she's a little sex kitten on there ... she really comes alive!! Her and her crazy cat Steve are a disaster of epic proportions for the most part. She has two girl friends that live in her building as well and they to are a little on the strange side. Shannon and Flower ... Flower only speaks 10 words a day and loves broken Christmas ornaments ... not weird right ... WTF??

Duke is Dove's downstairs neighbor and well lets just say that he is awesomely weird. He walks around in his undies most of the time, he is obsessed with sausage, and he never closes his door. Then we have The Anastasia's that also live in the building ... the misses is a porn writer, and these two chase each other around in crazy weird outfits and are overtly sexual ... I loved them!

So Dove has a little issue "downstairs" and has to fill a prescription at the pharmacy, where she meets a new hot pharmacist, Johnson Fitzwell (LOVE THE NAME). Its his first day on the job so he is more than thorough, making sure that Dove has no questions about her vag cream. She of course is mortified and the events that unfold after their fist meeting don't get any better!!!

Debra killed it with this book ... I mean it takes serious balls to write a book like this ... it terribly distasteful and hilariously funny ... I couldn't get enough!!!

Just a couple of my favorite parts of the book ...

“You see it’s administered with one dose in an APPLICATOR. It’s unique because it contains adhesive that will stick to your V@GINAL WALLS, as opposed to running DOWN YOUR LEGS. I think it’s called V@GI-GRAB®. But let me check.” Mr. Fitzwell ignored the large crowd and clicked away on his computer."
Don’t check. Good f_cks out loud. DON’T check!

“Yes, with these you totally can go wrong. What the h_ll are we going to do with c_ck rings?
You don’t have a p_nis. I don’t have a p_nis. We don’t even have boyfriends."
Taking a c_ck ring package in her hand, Shannon seemed perplexed.
“We have to be able to do something with them. Maybe turn them on, drop them in our coffee,
and let them do the stirring?”

“You called him the Heimlicher! I thought he was going to lick my Heim!
And I didn’t even know where that was on my body. I was ready to beat him with my Wiggle Weight.”
14 of 16 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars WHAT DID I JUST READ?? 1 March 2015
By TLC - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition
I feel itchy.. Lmao #BestWorstBookEVER

Deb delivers
Flatulence
Itchy ..yeasty parts
Diarrhea
Uncomfortable bodily functions of every kind
Crazy cats
And one uniquely endearing man ...lol
AND MAKES YOU LIKE IT
So ..EAT up people ..it'll taste good going in ..not sure how it'll feel..coming OUT....LMFAO

*WARNING ...read ALONE and under no circumstances let anyone know what you're reading-this message will self-destruct in 5 minutes!
12 of 14 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars An Epic Tale of Awkward Love 28 February 2015
By H Hunting - Published on Amazon.com
There are stories which stick with us for a variety of reasons. Some resonate with us because we connect with the characters on a personal level. In others, the angst pulls at our heartstrings and brings us to tears. Debra Anastasia accomplished both with the Poughkeepsie series.

This time around, Debra's going to bring you to tears for a whole different reason, possibly because you're fighting the urge to gag while laughing so hard you tinkle in your pants. Fire Down Below, the first book in the Gynazule series is an epic tale of awkward love gone awry. Debra pairs her unique writing style with her amazingly ridiculous sense of humor to create a cast of characters you'll never forget, or better or for worse.

Dove Glitch, the heroine in our story, finds herself in a predicament most women can relate to with sympathy and maybe a little bitchy finger pointing. Dove is the kind of girl who consistently gets the short end of the Karma stick. This applies to all areas of her life. Suffering from a feminine infection of Wonderbread proportions, Glitch must brave the pharmacy in order to cure herself of the vile, burning itch.

As if the horror of itchy girl parts isn't embarrassing enough, the pharmacist, Johnson Fitzwell, who fills her prescription, is a hottie. He's also the kind of guy she'd like to fill her in other ways. And he's one loud, overly-helpful pharmacist. The tampon of doom: he's taken by a raving bitch of a girlfriend. Karma just can't help s***ting all over Dove's poor, itchy life.

Debra writes a hysterically funny set of supporting characters to complement the crazy, loud, embarrassing relationship floundering like a walrus on the beach between Dove and Johnson. The hilarity of the story is compounded by Dove's sausage eating neighbor, Duke, who never shuts his door and rarely wears pants, her best friends Shannon and Flower--who speaks a maximum of ten words a day, and Dove's other whacked out neighbors who pose like porn stars at every opportunity, and have a klepto problem involving the neighborhood cats. The supporting cast will keep you in stitches, and make you thank the sweet Lord you don't live anywhere near these crazy people. Or maybe you'll wish you do.

This isn't a tale of perfect love; unless you consider sharts, poorly executed genital piercings and chemical cooter hair removal catastrophes prime examples of a fairytale romance.

This story should come with a DO NOT DRINK WHILE READING warning label.

It's five pierced sausages, and a kitten in your underpants, sidesplitting read.

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