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Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself by [Arabi, Shahida]
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Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself Kindle Edition

5.0 out of 5 stars 4 customer reviews

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Length: 527 pages Word Wise: Enabled Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled
Page Flip: Enabled Language: English

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Product Description

Although clinical research has been conducted on narcissism as a disorder, less is known about its effects on victims who are in toxic relationships with partners with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Individuals with this disorder engage in chronic devaluation and manipulation of their partners, a psychological and emotional phenomenon known as "narcissistic abuse." Unfortunately, the full extent of what narcissistic abuse entails is not taught in any psychology class or diagnostic manual. Since pathological narcissists are unlikely to seek treatment for their disorder, it is difficult to pinpoint what exactly makes a narcissistic abuser tick and the manipulative tactics they use, which are likely to differ from those of other types of abusers as they are more covert and underhanded. What is even more baffling is the addiction we form with our narcissistic abusers, created by biochemical bonds and trauma bonds that are also unlike any other relationship we experience.

In this book, survivors will learn:

•The red flags of narcissistic behavior and covert manipulation tactics, including subtle signs many survivors don't catch in the early stages of dating a narcissist.
•The motives behind narcissistic abuse and techniques to resist a narcissist's manipulation.
•Why abuse survivors usually stay with a narcissist long after incidents of abuse occur.
•How our own brain chemistry locks us into an addiction with a narcissistic or toxic partner, creating cravings for the constant chaos of the abuse cycle.
•Traditional and alternative methods to begin to detach and heal from the addiction to the narcissist, including eleven important steps all survivors must take on the road to healing.
•Methods to rewrite the narratives that abusers have written for us so we can begin to reconnect with our authentic selves and purpose.
•How to rebuild an even more victorious and empowering life after abuse.

Narcissistic partners employ numerous stealthy tactics to devalue and manipulate their victims behind closed doors. These partners lack empathy and demonstrate an incredible sense of entitlement and sense of superiority which drives their exploitative behavior in interpersonal relationships. Their tactics can include verbal abuse and emotional invalidation, stonewalling, projection, taking control of every aspect of the victim’s life, gaslighting and triangulation. Due to the narcissistic partner’s “false self,” the charismatic mask he or she projects to society, the victim often feels isolated in this type of abuse and is unlikely to have his or her experiences validated by friends, family and society.

Using the latest scientific research as well as thousands of survivor accounts, this book will explore how the emotional manipulation tactics of narcissistic and antisocial partners affect those around them, particularly with regards to its cumulative socioemotional and psychological effects on the victim. It will also address questions such as: What successful techniques, tools and healing modalities (both traditional and alternative) are available to survivors who have been ridiculed, manipulated, verbally abused and subject to psychological warfare? What can survivors do to better engage in self-love and self-care? How can they forge the path to healthier relationships, especially if they've been a victim of narcissistic abuse by multiple people or raised by a narcissist? Most importantly, how can they use their experiences of narcissistic abuse to empower themselves towards personal development? What can their interactions with a narcissistic abuser teach them about themselves,their relationship patterns and the wounds that still need to be healed in order to move forward into the happy relationships and victorious lives they do deserve?

Product details

  • Format: Kindle Edition
  • File Size: 2473 KB
  • Print Length: 527 pages
  • Page Numbers Source ISBN: 152370246X
  • Publisher: SCW Archer Publishing (23 April 2016)
  • Sold by: Amazon Australia Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B01B01O3PA
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Enabled
  • Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled
  • Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars 4 customer reviews
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #14,981 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)

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Fantastic book. One of the best I've read on the subject. Perhaps the title doesn't do it justice. If you want to know how the Narcissist works and how to work your way out of a relationship with one, make it a priority to read this!
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Very helpful information for identifying a narcissist, understanding the cycle of abuse, and how to move on. Highly recommended for those about to embark on or already in some type of relationship with a narcissist, either in your personal life or at work.
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An excellently written book with succinct information. A book that I will read / listen to a few times to really absorb all the information. Thank you for writing this book.
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Amazing book. Made me realise what felt like a brain infestation was to be expected after being emotionally abused. Gives solid scientific reasons to explain what happens to your body and brain after being cruelly devalued and discarded by someone you thought had feelings for you but didn't. It's difficult to accept you are reading a self-help book if you're not the Eatpraylove type but this is one self help book I'm proud to admit I read. Big thanks to the author....you're selling it too cheaply!
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)

Amazon.com: 4.7 out of 5 stars 152 reviews
178 of 183 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent, Well-Researched and Very Helpful Book! 26 April 2016
By BA - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
I have read 50+ books on narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, trauma, PTSD, etc. This book is one of the best. Ms. Arabi is an excellent, thorough and insightful researcher and journalist. She lays the groundwork for recovery by explaining the impact of narcissistic abuse, synthesizing those truths with provocative insights from leading scholars and then offering practical suggestions and methods of recovery.

This book is extremely well-documented and well-researched. Arabi not only addresses NPD and narcissistic abuse but delves into PTSD/CPTSD, citing the works of renowned experts such as Judith Herman, M.D., author of the foundational book “Trauma and Recovery,” and Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. (“The Betrayal Bond”). She also ties in the work of Bessel van der Kolk M.D., who in his book “The Body Keeps the Score” reveals how trauma rewires the the brain, along with dozens of other sources, both classic and contemporary.

Each chapter of Arabi’s book features an impressive endnotes section as well as links to articles, podcasts and social media resources. She manages to combine all these sources into a comprehensive and revealing look at narcissistic abuse and its effects on the survivor. She then offers practical tips and alternatives for recovering from the trauma of narcissistic abuse. I was personally inspired and motivated by her creative recommendations for recovery – I even surprised myself by experimenting with the guided meditation links and redoubling my commitment to doing Zumba four times a week. And I haven’t even finished reading the book!

Bravo, Ms. Arabi, and thank you! I very much recommend this book.
122 of 129 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Interesting read.. 1 October 2016
By Jordan E. Fuson - Published on Amazon.com
Verified Purchase
I've been reading a lot about narcissism after encountering it first in a patient's mom then recognizing it in my own mom and also seeing some of it in my siginificant other and now in myself. While some narcissists are truly monsters, often others develop it as a result of abuse/neglect in reaction to criticism and/or lack of love & validation. One excerpt reads: "They are never satisfied and they will constantly blame you for their dissatisfaction. They will never be satisfied with what they have, unless they have a complete doormat that turn a blind eye to their affairs, crimes and indiscretions. And even when they do have that doormat, they end up abusing and exploiting that person regardless, treating that person with contempt for being so “foolish” to believe in them. You’re damned if you do and damned if you do when it comes to a narcissistic partner."
And I would like to offer some insight: it is true that they are never satisfied and you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. They are unable to have self-acceptance, which gives rise the construction of the false self ego. It was taught that they are never good enough resulting in receiving criticism. They need a 'doormat' to give them the love and acceptance they lack for themselves and never received in childhood. However, they hate themselves so much that they resent (exploit/abuse) you if you give it, because you must be a fool to think they deserve love and/or acceptance--'Can't you see I'm a monster?! Can't you see how much of a worthless piece of trash I am? You're an idiot for thinking I deserve to be loved, because love does not exist-- only power. If love existed I would not feel forced to manipulate you to get the what I was never given freely (e.g. attention, love, validation, etc.) Relationships are about power not connecting.' They were taught early on that relationships are essentially unsafe. Feelings meant vulnerability, so it's safer to get one's needs met via manipulation--Why would you allow the "caretaker" (the one that criticizes, belittles) to have power over you by having emotions? Doesn't it feel more rewarding when you learn to manipulate and control the caretaker enemy and make them pay for the way the treated you? If you can control your emotions, you can learn not to be at the mercy of them and feel hurt, rejected, and powerless. Narcs are extraordinary sensitive to ego insults due to the lack of love/acceptance and use devaluation as a way to deal with the insults/injury. It's safer not to feel. Although their maladaptive ways keep them safe, they are extremely unhappy with their inability to form loving relationships. But they do not believe loving relationships exist and it is hard to seek, miss, or value what one never had--especially when it means subjecting yourself to feel hurt and disappointment again and to lose the sense of power that protected you (but now impairs you). It is an extremely emotionally immature disposition, but they received the message early that love and loving attention wasn't give freely making them believe manipulation is the only alternative. I read somewhere that codependency and narcissism are flip sides of the same coin. It doesn't sound right, but as a codependent/counterdependent with narcissistic tendencies, it makes sense. The child innately believes he/she is good, but the parents send an opposing message. Both the narcissist and codependent internalize the negative message, but the narcissist develops a false ego and rebels, while the codependent enmeshes in an attempt to win approval. Both of their egos depends upon another to exist, since their sense of Self is never developed due to the abuse/neglect.
129 of 139 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars I desperately needed to know how to stop the crazy love roller-coaster, and to understand why I still love ... 6 June 2016
By H B. - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
THANK YOU for writing this book....
I desperately needed to know how to stop the crazy love roller-coaster, and to understand why I still love the narcissist who was destroying my life. I devoured this book... twice in the couple of days that I've had it. I don't want to think of myself as a victim or my spouse as an abusive person, but the author very clearly explains the cycles and patterns and how to end the insanity. By going full no contact in just a couple of days I feel so much more in control of my life, hopeful and maybe even a little powerful.
There is hope and you're not crazy.... I highly recommend this book!
13 of 13 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars NPD and Narcissistic abuse is very real, I am so thankful for this book and the author. 23 February 2017
By ElBoz - Published on Amazon.com
Verified Purchase
This book, what can I say....it saved my sanity. I never knew much about NPD, never researched it or understood exactly what it was until I was deep into a relationship for nearly 10 years with an abuser and drowning in a Narcisisstic fog. Every time I got to the end of my rope or made a discovery about his true self, he would reboot the cycle all over again. Lovebombing, devaluation, discard. I had such a busy life with my career that my attention was certainly not 100% on the subtleties that can overtake you however looking back I always felt that something was never quite right. Always projecting, blame-shifting, gaslighting and using multiple other tactics to keep me under control and far from the truth. I was mentally, emotionally, physically and psychologically exhausted and had no idea why. I was made to feel ugly, fat, worthless, not good enough, lazy, isolated, unloved and the list goes on, by someone who claimed I was the love of his life and his "soul mate". What I finally discovered was a parasitic, poly-addicted, unfaithful, miserable, mean, pathetic little man baby who was jealous of and hated everything good in me and in the world. He tried to destroy my family, my relationships, my career and my sanity all with a smile on his face and an "awww shucks" mask for the world to see. Too bad for him that I finally found the strength to pull myself out of hell and with the power of knowledge I kicked him to the curb, a place where he lives in agony and misery frequently in his life. This book also made me understand that these monsters NEVER change. They will suck the life out of you until you leave or die. I also now know that going no contact and never giving these toxic energy suckers another moment of your time is the only way to be rid of them. Save yourself, if you care more about this jerk than yourself, you have alot of work to do. This will help, this is a place to start, and it will show you the light....I promise.
30 of 32 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Has helped me immensely - Wish I had read it before other books 6 December 2016
By Michigan Hiker - Published on Amazon.com
Verified Purchase
This is not the first book I have read on NPD. I wish this would have been the very first book I read, instead. It would have saved me of much headache and heartache. I am not finished reading this book, but I had to come in here and provide a review already. Just from the very first pages, this book has been able to help me understand my own personal situation with the narcissist in my life. A book that finally says it clearly the way it is and with sounded advise, not just for professionals in the field, but for the regular folk who has unfortunately been the victim of narcissist abuse. Because we have to call it for what it is: Abuse. I wish the courts in this country would be given this book and more education on this matter, especially when there are children involved. Courts force you to share custody with the narcissist parent when children and the former spouse should actually be allowed to keep contact to a minimum or no contact at all. In this particular case, exposure to the narcissist is not really a good idea for developing spirits and minds. Anybody who knows anything about NPD will tell you that the best thing to do is to go no contact. Other books suggest to remother the narcissist or do this or that. It does not work with these individuals because in their minds, they are always right and the whole world is conspiring against them. That's the main reason why neither the courts, nor supposed trained professionals can provide a diagnostic of NPD for those individuals because they can put a great act together for the whole world to see. By the time you realize what you're dealing with, you're already caught in their web of lies and deceive. Shahida Arabi explains all of this very clearly, in a way that anybody can understand. She has included clear examples of situations that are the "norm" for those suffering from this abuse. Anybody can see the scars left by violent physical abuse, but when it comes to emotional abuse, it is very difficult to prove in court or even to those who may be close to the victim. Shahida explains all the tools that a narcissist will use to control those around him or her. She shares her own personal and professional experience, as well as those of victims who have entrusted her with their own experience. Some reviews say that she's a bit repetitive at times. I have noticed that while reading the book. But believe me, repetition can be good to make some points, especially after you have been a victim yourself. Some things need to be repeated more than once because you have been gaslighted so much that you have trouble discerning reality from fog and you keep doubting yourself after so much abuse of this kind.

For what my own personal opinion might be worth, and from the view point of someone who has suffered the abuse of a narcissist, this book is a must-read. If you're lost and you don't know where to go, you feel isolated and your gut feeling is telling you that something has to change and you don't know who to trust or where to go for help, start with this book. It will help you understand your own situation, why the narcissist in your life treats you kindly one moment to completely ignore you or put you down the next; why that person accuses you of being controlling when you feel you have absolutely no control over your life and you feel that he or she is actually controlling you, instead; you will understand where did that loving, caring, compassionate person of the early stages of your relationship has gone and why you might be now dealing with someone who doesn't even resemble that soulmate of yours; and more. I love the fact that she's been there and she's done her hard work to understand this pathology not only from a victim's stance, but from a professional point of view.

I also got the Kindle version since it is free when you buy the book and I had absolutely no problems downloading it. I had noticed a few slight changes from the paper to the electronic version (I'm guessing one is a newer edition, not sure why there're these slight differences, but it seems to just be an editing thing.) But there are minimal and it doesn't affect. I love that I can read the book on my tablet or from the paper copy with no problems.

I think I said enough. I could go on talking about it, but I will let the book speak for itself. Read the sneak-preview in here. If you're a victim, I'm sure you'll identify yourself even in those few pages. That's what happened to me. Only a victim can understand what I mean.

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